15 Reasons to Eat Meat

(I first wrote this back in 2001 (posted to Veg-DC... more about 'em later). I'd seen so many "why not" articles I thought up a sarcastic "why to." In "web searching" today I saw it at an AR Newsletter (and other places!).  Many people asked to publish it online, and I told 'em all "great."  So, here it is... textual and grammatical warts and all as originally written...)

"1.  My parents fed me dead animals N years ago and they obviously knew what was good for me, just like the plastic white bread, red dye, DDT, and cigarettes.

2.  McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's, have all done exhaustive nutritional research on diet in their extensive efforts to produce the most nutritious, healthy, and low fat food in the known space-time continuum at the lowest price possible for people everywhere.   They pay well and only hire people who are so strong as to not need health insurance paid by the company they work full-time for.

3.  It's obvious that drinking the bodily fluids of female bovines that are used to fatten up young calves is extremely healthy for adult human beings of another species entirely.

4.  The slaughter of 4 billion animals per year globally [it's really 10 billion per year in the US alone] for food is okay, just like terrorism, as long as it isn't in my backyard.

5.  All those studies of human diet for decades in China that clearly show a vegetarian diet is the healthiest were obviously sponsored by organizations that are only interested in telling us what to do, and don't care about the freedom to enjoy that which can kill you if used improperly, but it's my option and my right as an American to do what feels, tastes, smells, is seen as, and is heard as gud.  Real gud.

6.  You mean you don't like ground up dead cows grilled and put on a whole-wheat bun slathered with high fructose syrup tomato sauce, ground up mustard seed sauce, onions, and sliced vinegared & garliced sugared yellow-dyed cucumbers?

7.  The millions of tons of livestock excrement and urine dumped into our ecosystem will produce, through the laws of evolution, even stronger plants, animals, and humans.  Nature likes a challenge, and the decreased clean water, lesser productive soil, and more unbreathable air will just make all living things tougher through Natural Selection.   No problemo.

8.  The FDA has a great track record for knowing what's good for us: at least 50% of the drugs they approve don't have any unforeseen side effects.  (note:  real stat)

9.  Fermented/congealed cow and goat fluid discharges, rotting chunks of pig, decaying slabs of cow, and often infected pieces of chicken anatomy are so good for you, we need the USDA to spend millions of our tax dollars every year promoting their consumption, and warn you that you need to cook 'em at high temperatures to kill any bad microorganisms in them that the USDA doesn't have the resources to check for, that slaughterhouses don't check for, and that can kill you and currently make hundreds of thousands of people sick every year.  If vegetables were so important we'd spend more than a million dollars a year promoting them (note: that's a real stat).

10.  Just look at the numbers of doctors and nutritionists, as well as television commercials, advocating eating at least 4 to 5 servings of meat every day.  They couldn't do that if it weren't true and they weren't paid enough.

11.  Eating meat is like driving an SUV (substitute "smaller car" for "plant-based food sources"):  it's more dangerous than plant-based food sources, uses up more natural resources than plant-based food sources, puts out more greenhouse gas pollution than plant-based food sources (potentially endangering all life on this planet), promotes environmental degradation, and is a symbol of my God-given freedom in this greatest country in the world to do whatever I want to whatever I want as long as I don't do the killing unless it's the right season in the right place.

12.  There was this guy in North Dakota who ate nothing but meat all his life, smoked, and drank like a fish.  With enough practice, we can do the same.  It's "no pain no gain." Genetics, schmetics....

13.  Bringing home a big chunk of cutup dead cow muscles, a bird's cut-up chest flesh, or ground-up pig organs stuffed into intestinal sacs, and cooking the hell outta them for my family, is one of the greatest joys and freedoms in the world, and demostrates how much I love my husband/wife and children, and want them to be healthy and live happy productive disease-free long lives.  God Bless Us All.

14.  Ain't nuthin' like clarified bovine fluid fried dead chicken embryos with pig fat fried stripped slices of pig flesh on the side, and a steaming cup of coffee bean juice with female cow lactations and a buncha refined sugar to getcha ready for a cold winter day at the office.   All part of balanced meal.

15.  It tastes gud.  Real gud."

(just in case someone got this far and though otherwise, I've been a vegetarian for 20 years... MSS) [as of 2007:  26 years vegetarian of which near 6 years vegan}

Comments

[Leafy Green]

Just wanted to let you know that we loved your "15 reasons" article and decided to share it with our audience and encourage them to visit your blog: http://www.ecollo.com/post/2007/12/15-Reasons-to-Eat-Meat.aspx

Who knows? Maybe there's a carnivore out there with their own clever "15 reasons"...

Love your writing. If you have any other stories to share, let us know! I think a lot of the people reading Ecollo can appeciate your point of view (and sense of humour!).

Happy holidays!

[morenna]

*snerk*
I gotta clean the coffee off my keyboard and monitor now. This is hilarious. And once again at least one person didn't "get" your sense of humor. sigh....

[Tks for the comment... nice way to start the day. Yeah, it's amazing that some people took me seriously AND the number of hits I get a day just on that old old essay. People keep typing "Reasons to Eat Meat" into Search Engines. So, a vegan has the #1 Google hit for that topic. *double snerk*]

[LJD]

COOL

[Sparkyxx]

I love meat so much

[nathan danley]

WOW... you are the biggest moron who tried to convince anyone that meat eating is justified that i have ever heard.