"...and go easy on the salt."
"Very good, Sir. And what would Sir like to drink?"
"Let's see. Maybe a large glass of milk?"
"What kind of Milk, Sir?"
"You said you'd like to have a large glass of Milk, Sir. What kind of Milk would you prefer?"
"I don't understand. Milk is milk."
"Only for those not in the know, if I may be so bold, Sir. Here at Chez Ignorante we have an outstanding array of milks for our patrons sourced from a superb variety of carefully selected species. Our Milk Steward has spent years turning our Milk Cellar into one of the most respected in the world. His sense of balancing taste, bouquet, and nutrition is widely recognized by Milk Affectionados everywhere. He is truly one of the great Milk Masters."
"Really? No kidding?"
"Ah, okay... let's see... what would you recommend?"
"Well, a lot depends upon the nutritional characteristics, flavor, and aroma that you desire, Sir."
"What's most popular?"
"I'd say it's a toss up between the very fine La Leche de Bordeaux Bulldog, our feisty El Gato Primo, and the always reliable Chimp du Jour."
"I don't understand. Those don't sound like Cow's Milk."
"Sir must be pulling my leg... of course they are not Cow's Milk! Here at Chez Ignorante we believe that adult humans should drink milk closer nutritionally to that of Mother's Milk. Cats and dogs are closer genetically to our own species, and Sir must know that no other species is closer to us from a genetic standpoint than Chimpanzees. By the way, our tenacious El Gato Primo has a particularly unique zippy flavor."
"But... but... that all sounds just awful."
"Not really, Sir. Besides the superb nutrition, our Milks won't have the hormones that most Cow's Milk has, and although they will unfortunately have the prerequisite US government sanctified pus cells that all Milk has, at least the pus cells in our Milks are closer to those generated by your own body. And, in line with our fastidious and careful preparation techniques, all of our Premium Milks were acquired by hand from well-fed and cared for species. None of that cruelty in today's Factory Farms for our Mothers. Nope. We certify that all of our Milks are from the happiest of animals."
"It's just that, that... (urp)... you, you can't be serious..."
"Of course we're serious, Sir. We want the best taste and nutrition possible for all our esteemed customers. But perhaps Sir would do best by having a cool refreshing glass of what Sir is most used to."
"Ah, Sir is joking again. You are the sly one. Why would an adult human drink a fluid designed to turn a small calf into a 1,000 lb. steer in a year? No... I speak of our Daily Special."
"Yes, Sir. Today's Daily Special is a fine vintage, and available for only a short time. Amazing quality, distinct aroma, marvelous velvety texture, and a slight aftertaste reminiscent of rosewater."
"...and er, what vintage would that be?"
"Our Mrs. Welllington Robusto, Sir."
"My wife, Sir. We just gave birth to the most darling little girl, Suzette. As a special favor to Chez Ignorante, she been providing milk to only our most special clientelle."
"Doesn't that bother you? I mean, after all, she's your..."
"Oh, most certainly not, Sir! Mrs. Wellington is quite healthy and, if I may say so, generously endowed. Her milk is of the finest quality and fits the nutritional profile of what any human child would best grow big and strong with perfectly. Mrs. Wellington is delighted to share her bounty with our customers. We are honored. She's taken 2nd and 1st Place Ribbons in the 2004 and 2005 Worldwide Milk Competition held annually in Westminster, New York."
"Wow. You must be proud."
"Indeed I am, Sir. She's a most special lady and I'm a most fortunate man."
"Certainly... well, okay... you seem to know what you're talking about."
"Yes, indeed I do, Sir!" (wink)
"Then... a tall glass of Mrs. Wellington Robusto it is!"
"VERY good, Sir. Will that be all?"
"Not quite, my good man. What would you recommend for dessert?"
Copyright 2006 by Mark Sutton. Feel free to pass this around, but do include this copyright, and either the URL to this webpage our my blog's address: http://www.soulveggie.com. Thanks!
[I wrote the above, this morning in about an hour. I'd been tossing and turning all night over some issues regarding some posts I made on two vegetarian recipe lists last night (one considering the high fat content of recipes posted, the other in response to a request for information on the scienfic cites for saying that cow's milk has pus cells: http://www.notmilk.com - with thanks to Robert Cohen), and one of the moderator's comments kept ringing in my head. Anyway, this little piece came out of me rather quickly, and probably originally stems from some dialogue by vegan nutritionist Dr. George Eisman that was, unfotunately due to size constraints, later edited out of the "Mad Cowboy Documentary." If I can get approval, I'd like to make that transcript available either in the MC newsletter and/or the MC website soon. Normally I'd want to work on the above dialogue a bit more, but I won't have time today, and I wanted to publish this while it was still, ahem, fresh, and I could focus on other matters. Clearly influenced by my admiration for Monty Python. I do hope this little vignette is enjoyed and invites some re-thinking by non-vegans.]