She was 92 years old when I recently visited Leisure World (a retirement community in Seal Beach,CA) to see my "Baba" (a throwback to her Slavic upbringings - "Grandma"). I was in Los Angeles to do a "head photographer" gig at AR2003, and in the process, had an experience eating dinner with Baba that caused a bit of a moralistic "dust-up" with some of the harder core animal rights activists at the conference. Here's what happened and why:
Baba had adjusted to my being vegetarian decades ago (indeed, after once cooking vegetarian for her for two weeks... she proclaimed I wasn't a "poor vegetarian" as she'd once believed). I'd told her before flying out, that I was now vegan, and wouldn't be eating any dairy or egg products. She said she understood.
It had been a lousy flight and cab ride to Leisure World. I'd been told that Grandma was showing signs of dementia (one of the reasons for my visit). I arrived, famished and exhausted, noting the carefully laid out dinner table in the kitchen. She proudly pulled out a casserole from the oven, one of my pre-vegan favorites: zucchini, yellow squash, cottage cheese, eggs, cheddar cheese, onions, butter.... She beamed, telling me that she had to walk to the grocery store to get all the ingredients, and that it took her most of the day to pull this all together just for me.
I gulped. What to do? I thought, as she placed the steaming hot casserole on the kitchen table. She was so proud and so happy to be feeding her eldest grandson...
I thought about it as she finished putting stuff on the table. I watched her labor to walk around in the kitchen (back problems), yet smiling and chatting away all the while as she finished dinner preparations.
What did I do? It was a no-brainer. I ate two big helpings, and told her it was "the best damn casserole I'd ever had." She beamed with joy and pride.
Okay, I felt the internal discomfort all night as I slept that night, and the next day I told her that I didn't eat dairy products. She was puzzled: "but you did last night?"
"That's because you made it, Baba, but no more," I responded, kissing her forehead.
Days later, at Animal Rights 2003, I told this story in the inevitable late-night bar meet-ups and was surprised by some of the indignent agitated comments from many around me. "No compromise! You should have "stood" your ground." "You didn't have to eat the casserole, you could have told her you were full." "What about the animals?" were some of the negative responses.
I stood my ground, and explained my position politely: Why should I emotionally devastate this 92 year old woman and not accept her love offering? Who was harmed by my eating her food? The milk (for cheese and butter), and eggs, were a done thing. My refusing to eat this meal would have saved no animal, caused no less suffering, and made no important point or significant statement that would have changed anything at all (for anyone or anything).
I appeased a woman in the twilight of her long long life. As so many animal rights activists fight for compassion for animals, I was compassionate for her. I have no regrets, and I hope that those who might read this and think in absolutes might take note. I believe we must learn to be aware of any situation in its entirety, and not act on principles that may not take into consideration the full reality of who we are as living beings ourselves. Shades of grey do exist, and I'd make the case that it is, in today's society, impossible to be 100% vegan (that's for another blog another time).
So, for the day I visited Baba, I wasn't vegan in the physical, but I was in the metaphysical... I showed compassion to another living being, enabling a treasured memory to someone I love dearly and giving her an emotional blessing she rarely had these days. Her beautiful and thoughtful gift of love was reciprocated with the same compassion she'd demonstrated herself.
I be vegan, not cruel.
I'm generally regarded as hard-core vegan, but I would have done exactly as you did. Apart from anything else, you showed the lady that veganism is not some brutal cultish dogma that cares nothing for anyone without fur, feathers or scales.
Well done.
Cathy from England
Posted by: Cathy Jupp | 2005.11.30 at 06:56