It's a guilty pleasure, to be sure, but I've taken to watching Food TV a little more than I used to. Yeah, I'd listen to it sometimes while doing other things in the kitchen, but recent interpersonal emotional stress in my life has been affecting all my projects and health to varying degrees. As such, I decided to change things up a bit, relax, and actually sit in front of a TeeVee and watch a few shows after dinner, rather than working late at my desk. Food TV is one of my favorite weird spaces.
There's "Paula Deen the Fat Queen," who probably hasn't made a recipe with less than half a day's worth of fat and calories per serving in decades, "Rachel 'I drink healthy happy EVOO [extra virgin olive oil] by the glassful every day' Ray," a travelogue on the unhealthiest popular food in the country ("Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dies, er, "Dives"), the husband of a couple who manages to frequently use "y'all" three times in a sentence to be folksy, and the superbly edited, often witty, occasionally nutritous, but always interesting, "Good Eats." I could easily prattle on about other shows, but these are the ones that come to mind right now.
Yet, for comedic operatic and satirical value, "Iron Chef America" is great sport and trumped up competition. Some of these Chefs display amazing creativity (I do get ideas from them), offset only by how unhealthy most of the recipes are. However, I do enjoy the overall silly drama: "WHAT is he doing now?" "I don't KNOW... could it BE a PIE?" "What's she going to do for PROTEIN?" "Is that, is it, is it... CUMIN?" "OMG, OMG, it's pork sushi with chocolate, arame, anchovies, saffron, and habanero! That's NEVER been done before in the history of the UNIVERSE!" All peppered with quick edit cuts, intense vocalizations, and manufactured tension.
Last night, the "secret ingredient" (cue the fog machine and turn the speakers to "11") was: duck! Obviously it was appallling, and as someone who's taking care of 9 of these delightful creatures, I can think of few animals that deserve less to be slaughtered (well, none, actually) and then "dressed up" for human consumption. I was revolted by one Chef using machine-generated air pressure separate the outer skin of the ducks. The process of carving of them into steaks would've made Freddy Krueger proud. That's not all. The dialogue that ensued when these culinary "creations" were served to the august panel of Judges deserves note with some examples ("slightly" paraphrased):
"Excellent use of dijon mustard, oreos, and lard, Chef, but for me, the skin of the deep fried dead animal's carcass just wasn't as crispy as I'd hoped it would be. Perhaps, too, a bit more salt would've helped. But, using spicy toasted duck flippers like tortilla chips in your second recipe was brilliant, and yet practical."
"You are truly talented! A fine subline artistic arrangement of cooked chunks of a hacked up slaughtered bird with vegetable strips in a superb chianti wine sauce reDUCtion." [pun intended]
"I'm just not impressed, Chef. I expected a more robust flavor from that deceased fowl you friccasseed." (burp) "But I do find the five different types of cut up animal corpses with grits a most interesting variation on that Southern Classic. The sprinkle of ants covered with powdered sugar was visually appealing." (belch) "You've done well."
(giggle) "I just love love love the way the boiled duck embryo, er, egg, holds up on top of a a slab of it's adult dead version on top of the mucho tasty ground up diseased bird liver. It's so so pretty!" (giggle) "I could eat this forever and ever!"
"Chef, your astounding creativity in making this lifeless nutritionally disgusting duck-based dessert is a testimony to your awesome skills. You've scaled new heights of culinaryness and cookingosity. I wouldn't have thought it possible." [the dessert was real]
Yeah, I sat, transfixed, until the end, both fascinated and distressed. Then I saw the "secret ingredient" for the next episode: pheasant. I turned off the TeeVee. An admittedly judgemental phrase mumbled out of my mouth at that point that summed up my thoughts about it all:
"Barbarians at the Plate."
Sure, on the surface a more civilized version of people wearing furry dead animal skins and ripping cooked body parts off a formerly living animal, but in reality, just as morally and ethically reprehensible. Yeah, there are times when we probably shouldn't be judgemental or overtly critical (or so some believe when taking the higher road) of carnivores and those that just haven't figured it out yet, it won't change their attitudes, as we might feel superior in some way and pride goeth before blah blah blah.
Nuts... I know barbarism when I see it. Now, if the Chefs, with the Judges watching, had to capture, kill, pluck or skin, then cook said animals for the competition, I'd be more impressed, and they'd be more aware of the truth behind what they are doing. Certainly would put a big rip in the Judge's smarmy aristocratic civilized veneer. But then, the show's catch phrase, "who's cuisine will reign supreme?" would have to be changed to, "who's cuisine is more obscene?" That might lower ratings and upset a few human stomachs.
A reality the Food Network can't afford...
[With apologies to Bryan Burrough and John Helyar, who wrote "Barbarians at the Gate"]
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